An attempt to declare the Glory of God for what He has chosen to do with our lives. A legacy to leave to my children in the telling of it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Last Night

I went to call Trent to come and eat pizza last night.

It has been nearly four months and my mind still thinks he's here. I haven't intentionally looked for him since he died. Even on the way to the hospital the night of the accident I mentally forced myself to only count four heads instead of five. But now.....

My mind goes back and forth between wondering if he ever was here and a part of my life, like an imaginary child or something. My mind can't grasp the reality some days. It is rationalizing his absence.

But my soul knows. This mother's soul knows. The ache is because he is my son and he is not here. The joy is because he is with his savior. The two collide. The ache and the joy cannot intermix yet. One constantly demands to rise to the top.

I have determined to not get out of bed until I can praise God that Trent is in heaven. Some mornings I stay in bed longer, waiting for the real praise to come from my heart. Sorting this world and that world. Recalling scripture. Remembering how good God is. Remembering that He is sovereign. Remembering how much I long to be in heaven, too.

I look for the good works that God had prepared for me to do as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep at the end of the day. I wonder how the little things I can see could make eternal differences. I fight to live for my children still here. I fight to do good works for them. I pray for their salvation. I fight hiding in work to avoid feeling and grieving and loving and hurting.

I cry with my husband. Do you know how hard that is to do? To cry for your son together? He whispers God's promises to me and makes me cry again. I see God moving in Him and can see some of those good works first hand before my eyes.

I long for the day it will all be made right.

9 comments:

Cathy said...

Oh Miss Terri! I can't WAIT to give you a hug tomorrow!!

Awaiting your arrival!
Paige

Kristen said...

You are loved and prayed for today! Although we have never met, your burdens are being shared and lifted up to the Father by this sister in Christ.

Rebecca of Sunny Morning Farm said...

I love you!

Brenda said...

If it weren't so far .... you'd get a hug from me too. My heart aches for you and your family. I continue to pray for your peace and well being. Hold onto God's promises.

OurCrazyFarm said...

Oh ladies, here I go crying again. I was doing okay today and then I read your beautiful comments. :) Sometimes it is so hard to be loved so much. Praising God for each of you!

Rambling Heather said...

Oh Terri! My heart aches for you. I wish that we could sit together over coffee or tea and just pray and cry. Know that you are in my thoughts.

Sherry Sutherby http://russ-stickacres.blogspot.com/ said...

Oh Terri...The tenderness of this post simply broke my heart. The pain is so raw, so visceral. I hope the soothing scriptures will ease your pain. The Lord has graced you with a good and loving husband, amazing children, and the ability to ride this wave. Hugs from Michigan...

Dalyn (AKA The Queen of Quite Alot) said...

sending you love sweet lady. Words cannot express how my heart hurts for you. Really.

Renee said...

Sending Love to you Terri. I can't imagine how hard this is. Thank you for sharing.