An attempt to declare the Glory of God for what He has chosen to do with our lives. A legacy to leave to my children in the telling of it.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Don't Want To



Tomorrow is camp. The first camp without Trent. I don't want to go without him. I don't want another first. I don't want to smile all weekend and I don't want to cry all weekend. I don't want it to be the day before camp without him and have to trust God for this too. I don't want to pack and not pack his clothes. I feel like just packing him a bag anyway because then it's not the first, somehow part of him will be there with us. I don't want to see the zip line. I don't want to be a chicken and not jump off like I said I wanted to three months ago. I don't want it to be three months without him. I don't want to wait the rest of my life to see him again. I don't want to go into the dining hall and not see him first in line. I don't want to sit in chapel and not see his ken-doll locks in the first row. I just want to go back to bed and stay there until I die. I don't want to be strong and I don't want to be weak. I don't want to do this without him. It just hurts. There is no cure for missing somebody, not even time. Do I quit missing my son in three months, three years, thirty years? How do I live for thirty more years missing him? Yes, I trust God, yes I know this is for a purpose, yes I know Trent is in heaven, but I still miss him. Help me Lord, I can't do this today.

5 comments:

Cathy said...

You CAN do this today my friend! Philippians 4:13 tells me that Terri can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens her! One day at a time my friend. I love you, and will be showering you in prayer through the weekend. ((hugs))

Teresa said...

sorry my friend! I pray you find this weekend just as it is supposed to be. I pray you find peace and comfort. Hugs to you!! I am sure you will have lots of hugs this weekend!

Anne said...

Oh Terri, I can't imagine the pain and heartache and emptiness. But you are not alone. One second at a time you can do this. Let the others there care for you and love you. You will have constant prayer coverage for sure. I wish I could take away your pain. But I can't. The best I can do is pray God's peace and comfort for you. And I do.

Anne

Sherry Sutherby http://russ-stickacres.blogspot.com/ said...

In response to your "I Don't Want To"...I would say, "You Don't Have To"... It might be time to create the "new normal" and sit out on some events that trigger such emotion. The pain is overwhelming...and rightly so. It's a reflection of the love that still shines so brightly. Prayers and Hugs...

Brande Services said...

You did it. Even if you thought you couldn't, or didn't want to. One day at a time my dear sister; sometimes one breath at a time. And your Father even had good things in store for you. :) I love you. I hate this pain. I'm trusting God.
Traci