An attempt to declare the Glory of God for what He has chosen to do with our lives. A legacy to leave to my children in the telling of it.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Free Falling

I sit here this morning reading your comments, friends, and see first hand all over again how good God is to our family. Comments like Sonja's about how God has layed Cole on her heart lately and how she has faithfully prayed for him brought tears to my eyes. Friends like Cathy who responded with a covering of prayer and a sweet email to check on me because God layed me on her heart the day that just "happened" to be when I opened the mailbox to discover the autopsy report. As I hid in the garage and bawled over reading it the thought of her prayers being lifted up on my behalf, and the God who ordained them, sustained me. Friends and sisters and moms who just email or call or stop by~ don't underestimate God's leading. Thank you for being faithful to respond. This is tough, and tougher yet at various times or days for various odd reasons. Somewhere there is a battle going on beyond what we see here. Nights have been hard lately. The days are becoming full and busy once again, life is going forth out of necessity, there is noise and chaos. But nights are quiet. The mind is tired. The spirit starts to doubt and forget. The longing is deep, and the dark is dark. I thank God for always waking Rob up to comfort me in the deepest parts of it.

I don't know which is worse~ the crying days or the happy days. Some days I can get through the whole day and talk about Trent, look at his pictures and his belongings that are still scattered through out the house, and smile knowing where He is. Other days I can't get through the first cup of coffee without several kleenexes. I still don't know how to answer the "How are you?" question. How do you sum up what God has done the past couple of months in a single reply? "Fabulous, my son is in Heaven, do you want to know how to get there too? But I can't stop crying, just go read the blog, I am a better writer than talker these days". Sometimes I can't see the happily ever after myself, how do I encourage others to?
I love my children. God has used them in an unbelievable way to minister and teach me in this. Aren't I the one who is supposed to be leading them through this? And how do you show children how to grieve? I was pretty much just thrown in and am getting a crash course myself. I don't know what else to do but keep pointing them to God's sovereignty, the promises of scripture, hugging them and holding them (mostly when it's me crying), and just keep living. Each of them are individuals walking their own walk through this. Everyone of them had a different relationship with Trent that I will never know the depth of. They are all grieving differently, separately, and together with Rob and I and their friends.

Their souls are my first concern and I long for their own salvation. Many a day and night I come knocking at God's door and bugging Him about it again. "Remember the other kids here God". I have refused to make Trent's death their death. I do not want their childhood to be about the day their brother died. They deserve to live and be who God made them, as special as their brother was, and loved, adored and cherished as much as we are loving, adoring, cherishing and missing him. I pray and anticipate the big plans that God has prepared in advance for each of them. The high calling God has brought in their life has only made them cling to Him more and seek to understand Him more. Somehow we are just trying our hardest to keep pointing God out to them through this. What a drab post for a drab, cold, rainy April day. But it feels good to get it all out in writing, to somehow physically remove it from my mind and lay it at my Saviors cross that He may do with it what He wants. He said His yoke is easy, His burden is light. I can only do one thing at a time, and if that means right now I quit trying to carry this by myself I gladly dump the load and will just sit at my Saviors feet and worship Him again. Jesus is coming soon and His reward is with Him. Wait patiently oh me of little faith.

9 comments:

Sherry Sutherby http://russ-stickacres.blogspot.com/ said...

I would have to say, I believe you are making Him proud...proud of the way you are handling this horrific loss. Proud of your dedication to Him, your husband, your children, your family and friends. To me Terri, you are right where you should be...and you have no idea how tough it is for someone on the outside to watch you go through this. You need to know that people are lifting you in prayer...more than you will ever, ever know.

Just two days ago, I had my husband, and the young 12-year old who is staying with us, look over my shoulder at pictures of Trent, while I read your posts. (Sometimes I had to stop to compose myself...and clear my throat.) We are feeling that Trent's story is helping to get this young man a step closer to "getting right with God". A step closer to Jesus. So when the dark is dark, and you whisper the sweet name of Jesus, please know that there is a light coming from this extreme sadness. It might be a pinhole of light, but it is there, leading another to an eternity with Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:38-39: “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

OurCrazyFarm said...

Oh Sherry, you are another God sent friend. I will cherish these words and the work God is doing in your lives.

Rebecca of Sunny Morning Farm said...

Sherry is right, you will never ever know how hard this is on all of us to watch you go thru this. I can't even reach out and hug you or cry over a cup of coffee with you or anything else that we would do if I were closer to you. I sure hope you feel my presence even tho I am not there. Prayers are still on you and yours from me and mine!

Love ya chick!!!

OurCrazyFarm said...

You go start your coffee pot and I'll start mine Becky and we'll cry together:))) Love you too my long lost missed bloggy friend!

Anne said...

Terri,
I was just sitting down to take a quick break and read a tiny bit before making supper. And these words by C.S. Lewis jumped out at me. I had to stop reading and send them to you right away.

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains - it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

He is doing this through you and your gut wretchingly painful walk right now. You are making Him SO real to so many of us. He is shouting to a deaf world through the loss of your precious son.

Thank you for taking us all on this walk with you.

Hugs,
Anne Silseth

OurCrazyFarm said...

Anne~ I am speechless. Wow.... Praise God!

Rambling Heather said...

Tears well up in my eyes. Thank you! Thank you for being real, for not hiding your feelings behind a mask pretending that it's all ok. Thank you for showing me what trusting in Father really looks like. You are a missionary!

OurCrazyFarm said...

Thank you for letting me be real, Heather. I am good at wearing masks~ more glory to God as He keeps removing them.

The Johansen Family said...

Comfort in Affliction ~ Charles Spurgeon

I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. Isaiah 48:10

Let affliction come--God has chosen me. Poverty, you may enter my door, but God is in the house already; and He has chosen me. Sickness, you may intrude, but I have a balsam ready--God has chosen me. Whatever befalls me in this vale of tears, I know that He has "chosen" me. If, believer, you require still greater comfort, remember that you have the Son of man with you in the furnace. In that silent chamber of yours, there sits by your side One whom you have not seen but whom you love; and often when you know it not, He makes all your bed in your affliction and smooths your pillow for you. You are in poverty, but in that lonely house of yours, the Lord of life and glory is a frequent visitor. He loves to come into these desolate places that He may visit you. Your fiend sticks closely to you. You cannot see Him, but you may feel the pressure of His hands. Do you not hear His voice? Even in the valley of the shadow of death, He says, "Fear not, I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God." Fear not, Christian; Jesus is with you. In all your fiery trials, His presence is both your comfort and safety. He will never leave one whom He has chosen for His own. "Fear not for I am with you" is His sure Word of promise to His chosen ones in the "furnace of affliction."

Thinking of you and yours...Laura