An attempt to declare the Glory of God for what He has chosen to do with our lives. A legacy to leave to my children in the telling of it.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Struggling in the Garden

There has been just a bit of respite from the events of the past week and a half and I have found that I am exhausted. My joy is still found in the Lord, and knowing that Trent is in heaven only causes smiles, but my human body is wore out. Graciously God allowed a couple of nights with solid sleep, plus a long nap yesterday. Everything seems to take extra effort just to accomplish at this point. The gifts of meals, paper plates, pizza, coffee and friends who came to sweep my floors and fold my laundry have been all the more appreciated. At this point we are gearing up to handle more details. Bills are waiting to get paid, arrangements for releasing Trent's ashes over his birthday next week have to be planned, and eventually the x-box vacation needs to end for the younger kids. I have deliberately been looking up passages in scripture that refer to God's will and heaven, affirming again that God's plan is perfect and what He is bringing forth from Trent's death is perfect. The book of Job has been especially comforting, to think that Satan intended this for evil but God is using it for His good, and has already brought salvation. My struggle is not with God or his plan for Friday, my struggle at this point is how do I go on living the same after Friday? God had been convicting us that we were too caught up in this world before He took Trent home, but now we are all the more convinced that nothing matters except what is done for Christ. As Rob said at the celebration~ all of Trent's guns and everything he loved is still here, the only thing in heaven is his soul. I look around at all the things that mattered so much, and have a hard time making them look so valuable now. On the contrary, I look around and see all the foolishness and false living that people are so caught up in and find myself begging God even more to open their eyes, along with mine. I find myself torn between asking God to leave us here to minister to all those around us that He has given us to be a light to, to asking Him to allow us to give up all these earthly possessions and take us into full time ministry with no earthly ties. I am tired of spending all my energy and putting all my emotions into paying the mortgage when there are souls that are perishing all around me. I long to build with precious stone and jewels that my life may stand the test of God's refining fire. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21


Brenda said...

Treasures in Heaven. That's good!

The Johansen Family said...

Terri ~

May God bless you in this extremely difficult time in your life. You know, any words that I try to think to say to you don't do ANYTHING for the pain you are going through. I know that you have joy that Trent is with JESUS, but I also know how much you must miss him. That seems like such an understatement/foolish thing to say. Your world has changed. You are glorifying God through your actions. This is where the rubber meets the road in your Christian faith, isn't it? You have conducted yourself beautifully for the glory of God. I wish all of your blogger friends could've seen the beauty at the Celebration of Trent's Life and how the gospel was preached so clearly.

I understand what you say about the foolishness and false living that people are doing. I find myself thinking the same thing a LOT. All that matters is the MOMENT we are standing before HIM!!! I, too, can get caught up with day-to-day living. I will pray that you find the perfect ministry with your dh.

If you just need to cry on someone's shoulder or to talk PLEASE PLEASE feel free to call me. My number is in the phone book. After things settle I'd love to come and visit you. Let me know when you're ready for visitors, o.k.?

Praying for you,

OurCrazyFarm said...

Laura~ your words were perfect! I woke up this morning missing Trent so bad, which honestly God has spared until now. God is still good, even if I miss him, and I find myself going back to the promises in scripture about God's perfect plans, how our lives as well are only shadows, God's salvation is forever, trusting that God has good planned for this, that He promises to be my comforter even in this, and it is okay to cry. The celebration was beautiful! God was definitely honored in it, and already we are seeing salvation and changed lives from the message. I have struggled to not be like Jonah, who was the one who had to give up much for others to be changed, but rather to only cling to the promises of God that this is for good and He is refining me in it, looking all the more towards heaven and what He says is waiting. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers, we need to stay honest with God about this and never lose sight of the cross and what it cost God himself. He gave up his son as well. Thank you for encouraging me this morning, and I would love to get together sometime to share, the good and the hard. God is faithful, all the more so in this. Terri