Ouch!

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I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. Psalm 119:147

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I am no stranger to pain, but the last day or so has brought the intensity of it up just a notch higher. For several years we have fed our critters with round bales, hay rings for the bigger ones, but for the goats (and the horses in prior years) we peel the layers of hay off twice a day. And, about this time every year, I have felt the daily wear and tear that the work has on my back. Not one to grumble much (out loud at least) or expect others to help (a bit of pride perhaps) I keep going. But add into that a silly horse with one too many trips of bouncy trotting and quick, spinning turns to head back home, and I was really feeling it last week. I iced it and took the weekend off from riding (to sit at an ER desk). It felt much better until yesterday with the sun shining, temps around 10 and itching to ride Russell's trails again, the girls and I headed out on our mighty steeds. All was well until about half way through the woods when, in the midst of a sudden bouncy, trotting, unexpected quick spinning turn to head back home, something in my back was re-jolted~ ouch! I had no choice but to make it back home (mostly on top of my horse) and figured everything would be fine with a bit of ibuprofen, ice, heat and a massage. But the pain has only worsened and I am even considering actually heading into the dreaded doctors office today.

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It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees. Psalm 119:71

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Finally getting out of bed due to the pain around 5:00 has turned into a good thing, tho. Rare alone time to ponder God and life and love. Time to think and pray, before the kids or the dogs are up. Time to be in Scripture and savor the word of God. Time to be in prayer~ savoring the quiet. I have been learning to trust God more and more and in a different way over the past couple of years. Learning the cost of standing on His word, seeing my own desires being stronger than wanting to stand on His word, and seeing Him love me and grow me despite it. The sweet words expressed in Psalm 119 could have been mine this morning as I read the Psalmists plea to God to do something about the sin and corruptness that he saw all around, the sin and corruptness in the world, in the church, in his heart, in my own heart. Clinging to the laws and hopes and promises found in the Word, and waiting and trusting one day for God to be faithful to them.

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Accept, O Lord, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws. Psalm 119:108

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Time in the recliner has also given me time to read one of my all time favorite books, The God I Love, by Joni Eareckson Tada. You see, I believe what Scripture teaches about God's sovereignty. That everything, every situation, every joy, every hardship, every decision is ordained by God and is for His glory, yet somehow in that we are still responsible for our decisions, our sin, our actions. I don't pretend to understand how it all works together, but there is great peace in knowing that God has it all worked out for our joy and His glory. Knowing that for some reason my intense pain is in His plan for good, to know that all the hard stuff and the "junk" is being used for transforming me to look more like Christ. The kids and I were reading in Judges 1-5 yesterday and found it interesting that God allowed hardships to be left in the Israelites live's to allow them the struggle to choose to serve Him. It made me ponder all the "struggles" I can find to whine about in my life and decide if I am going to choose to see them as ways to glorify God or use them as stumbling blocks for my own destruction.

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...but I will ponder your statutes. Psalm 119:95b

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Joni Eareckson Tada touches on her own struggle with this in her questionings on the "why's" and "what-if's" of God's plan for her life prior to the accident that would put her in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, leaving her dependant on others, and knowing God in a way deeper than she ever would have known Him without the accident. "[Does] God take risks with us? Not the crazy sort that would have us diving for the keel or hurdling a five-and-a-half-foot-fence - but a divine dare that really is noble and courageous. A risk where he really does look out for our safety yet at the same time propositions us with a hint of danger, as if to say, 'I'm not satisfied with your mediocrity. I have something in mind for you that's above the norm. Can you follow me? You're not afraid, are you? C'mon, you can do it.'"

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My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. Psalm 119:50

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The quote, coming on the tail-end of a conversation with Rob last night, really struck me because, first of all, I have been pretty mediocre with God as of late and have been able to justify it with being a tired mom, the cares of the world, children, work, husband, farm and I really didn't need it pointed out thank-you-very-much. That and, yes, I am afraid. I mean, what if I had to take a stand for God, and gasp, really admit who I am? Loving the unlovable, putting down my stones, admitting failure, getting out of my comfort zone, trusting God, allowing Him to love me, forgive me, heal me, use me. It would mean accepting His plans, letting go of my own. Can I follow Him? I am afraid. I don't know God~ can I do it? Full surrender?

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Let me understand the teachings of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders.

Psalm 119: 27

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I think by nature we are a short minded, short visioned people. If we don't see the results in 2 minutes or less we want our money back. Sometimes it is too hard to ponder the deep things of God that take soul searching, sorting and tough decisions. Is His word truth? Will I live by it and trust it? Will I give up the world because He is greater? Is my sin really that bad? Is my time really that worthy (for Bible study, prayer, church, to invest in my children, etc., etc...)? In my life I tend to always want a quick fix. I want God to come riding in on his white horse (without a sore back) and rescue me from whatever my latest affliction is. I don't want 11 years of daily pain to sink in His message that these bodies are not eternal and makes heaven look all the better. I don't want dividing lines in relationships over the word that cause strife. I don't want to stand alone. I don't want to suffer. Deep down I really just want the cotton candy and the pony rides.

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Accept, O Lord, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws. Psalm 119 :108

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A quote from a long-ago pastor: "If you are not growing in Holiness (The state or quality of being holy; perfect moral integrity or purity; freedom from sin; sanctity; innocence.) , you've never been justified (to free from blame.). Justification always causes sanctification (to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate; to purify or free from sin: to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing. )." So I guess I am somewhere in that sanctification process. Praising the Lord who died in my place to make it all possible. Trusting the one who ordained it. Waiting eagerly for the day He will reveal it, and finding joy in the midst of it.

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Days will come when you don't have the strength

And all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart

They'd see too much

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You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful

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Praying that you have the heart to fight

Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

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You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful

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Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to die!

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You're beautiful, You're beautiful

In His eyes You're beautiful!

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful!

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful!

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful!

You are treasured You are sacred You are His

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by MercyMe

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