Dixie is our goat herd matriarch. She is older, and is carrying a huge belly right now as kidding season is about to begin. She is pretty pathetic looking as she only has half an udder, and that teat hangs nearly to the floor at this point, as we were naive goat farmers when we bought her all those years ago and didn't know a good udder from a bad one. I promised her I won't breed her next year, poor thing, and will keep her forever no matter what our farm motto states. But she loves being a momma, so I couldn't deny her one last opportunity to try for pretty spotted babies before we sold that handsome buck.I was crooning to her last night, and petting and kissing her, and crying to her about no Trent to sit with us at delivery time this year. I had to rub her back for the both of us. Constantly I remind myself that this is God's battle; He will come out victorious. Maybe in eternity there will be goat farms and sons to sit by again without the fear of death. Even if heaven was only that, it's all it would take to make me happy forever.
I was reading in Hebrews 12 about the thousands upon thousands of angels in assembly in the city of the living God, and about the great cloud of witnesses that surround us watching what God is doing. Watching for how He will cause His children to persevere in this race that He has marked out for us. This race that is so hard. Once again, I fixed my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, and set before myself the joy of the cross that makes enduring this all possible.
Because of the cross I am forgiven, because of the cross Trent is in heaven, because of the cross I will be able to be presented before God holy and blameless, because of the cross I call myself a stranger here in this world, because of the cross my Heavenly Father disciplines me for my own good so that later on a harvest of righteousness and peace will be produced.
Lord willing, I will not refuse this God, but will look forward all the more to His heavenly kingdom that cannot be shaken.
Even if that means right now it hurts, and I cry and cry and cry. But I have found freedom in the tears; a sweet fellowship with Jesus that I have never known so deep before. I guess God will bottle up tears cried to goats, too.
9 comments:
One of the sweetest, most tender posts on your Blog, was when you and Trent assisted in a delivery for Dixie. And now, because she (like us) wants to be a Momma more than anything, the process begins again.
Trent's imprint is on this farm, even in the tear-stained goat barn. But with the tears, comes the reassurance. For our God is everywhere. Even among the cud-chewing, bulging pregnant goats.
Oh, how my heart just aches for you. I wish there were some words that would somehow help but your pain is something that only God can soothe. I am so thankful for the witness that you have to so many. God Bless you and your sweet family.
Sherry said it so well! I pray you can find comfort out there, I know the barn is my therapy. Bless you sweetie, and I am looking forward to reading about the pleasure you will have when you see those little spotted babies. I just know heaven is going to have Nubian goats...and maybe you and Trent will have a herd close to mine and we can enjoy each other's company and each other's goats... God is good and Heaven is going to be great and Trent must be so so happy there.
LOVE Sherry's comment - she is a wise one! As mommas we recognize that desire in animals. We have an old doe, who is too old to have more bunnies. Often times I go in the coop and she has a mouth full of hay, running back and forth with a nest of fur - I love that about her. Mamma's tears - someday they will be wiped away. Till that day, blessings from Ringle.
Would it be all right to mention that my every day tears are for a grown daughter who is living a wicked life away from God? May she learn what Trent knows! My comfort and trust are in Christ alone. This does not minimize your pain in my eyes! It is a different, but real hurt. Thank you for sharing.
Shoshannah~ Yes, it is okay to mention your dear daughter . . . keep crying the tears and calling out to God; He hears you. He answers the prayers of His children in His ways and in His time; yet He calls us to continue coming to His throne day after day to seek His grace. Be the bugging widow . . . He hears you.
You are in my thoughts often, and prayers go up for you today.
I sense that blogs are supposed to be all prim and proper, and we all are too scared to reveal so many truths, but I am going to break protocol again and share the truth . . .
one of the reasons that I can rejoice so much for Trent being in heaven is because I could easily see the path of his life becoming destructive, and so could he. There was sin that he could not control, even at age 12, and a hardness that could have easily overtook. The two of us discussed it often. I don't begin to understand how God's sovereignty works, but He says that He knows those who are His and that not one will be lost.
God saved Trent in His perfect time so that Trent would not be lost; he now is safe in heaven~ safe from his sin, safe with God, safe for eternity. That is why I can rejoice while my heart breaks and my own doubts long to rule.
Don't give up hope for your daughter. Keep praying, and keep crying. The prayers, and the tears, of the saints are precious in the eyes of God. Keep fighting the good fight my bloggy friend. Let God's grace be sufficient as you wait on Him.
And, dear ladies, yes~ that Sherry is a wise one:)) And she is precious to me . . . just like you:))
A lot of His work is going on here, at the end of each of these Blog posts. If you look at the "comments" over the months, I truly think the comments are a Blog of their own. Lots of healing going on...and promised prayers. I love this little "community", that lifts each other, smiles together, and cries together. You folks are great...(And thank you for the kind words...)
There's not much I can add to the beautiful comments left here by your wonderful friends. The community of people who gather around you and your blog are truly wonderful. Blessings!
I have been thinking of your greatly the last week as I read a new book on my kindle (Heaven is for Real). While reading it I placed Trent in the place on the young boy Colton and invisioned him telling you all about his time in Heaven. I don't know if you have read it or if you are in a spot to read it yet but it is a great book and made me releived about where my loved ones were and what they were experiencing. Terri I hope to be able to sit with you one day and discuss all that you have taught me. With all my love - Rachael, PS I still love my house!
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