Time to be Back

I've been away from this little spot in cyberspace for quite some time now. The consuming addiction of blogland and all that goes along with it has been one of the primary reasons- if you are a blogger you know what I'm talking about: the rat race of keeping up and wondering how much is too much, not too much, write for yourself, write for an audience, topics, fancy pictures, waiting for comments, keeping up with the Joneses, etc., etc. 

Our world's craze of everybody knowing everything may come back to bite us all, and personally, as my sister has said before, when people know the color of the kitchen towel hanging from your stove, it might be time to tone things down a bit. But then there is the other crazy hope that not all the words are futile. Hope that God is in some of them, and that they would be words and posts saturated with life changing messages.

A quiet time of processing my own thoughts in my head has been interesting. Not necessarily good, but interesting. Living without blogging, after doing it for so many years, has been strange. I process by writing. My head is spinning from its own thoughts and nowhere to put them down and sort them out. The Alzheimer's side effect of grief tends to make conversations difficult. Words on a computer screen make sense.

Living has been another reason to be silent. Walking with my children. Fishing at the nearby lake. Movies and giggles and fights. Home school and books in bed at night. Baking dessert, then eating the leftovers together for breakfast. Dates and dreams and life changing decisions. Grieving. Always grieving. Laughter among the hidden tears.

But it's time to be back. Time to share what God is doing. As it says up above there in the header,

An attempt to declare the Glory of God for what He has chosen to do with our lives.

A legacy to leave to my children in the telling of it.

So here goes the attempting again.

Denying the Power

Some things have been mulling around my thoughts the last few days. In the midst of living in the limbo of soon giving up our worldly kingdom for the sake of advancing God's kingdom, the female gender of the emotions of my mind -up, down; stay, move; erratic fear versus trusting God or keep comfy in my pajamas and drink coffee all day- is whirling as only a woman's can. Add to all this my long standing mantra of frustration over watching pitiful walks of proclaimed Christianity through self promoting, false doctrine blaring propaganda via the numerous offers of free site hosting on the world wide web...

But, I digress.....

What I meant to say, was that without the gospel, we have no business toting our Christian ideologies. Without the basis of a knowledge of the depth of our own sin, the blood of Jesus spilled as the atonement, or the claims of the sovereign God behind the whole plan, there is no power. There may be a lot of flash, some tears, and, in our day and age, a hundred and fifty-two thousand tweets, reposts and Facebook likes; but without the true gospel being proclaimed, there is no power for salvation, repentance, or glorification of a holy God. He works through His word, through suffering, through the good news being proclaimed in its entirety.

It is my opinion, and maybe yours, too, that professing believers today have swallowed, hook, line and sinker, nearly every sparkling facet of Christianity that is toted in our world of technology. Don't like the message being proclaimed? A click away will bring you to one that you do like and want to accept. We have become exactly what Paul predicted in 2 Timothy 3:5, we are a people who have "a form of godliness, but deny its power."

Get in your Bibles, people of God, and marinate yourself in the words that give life, not the time-wasting sites that dull your soul and lead you astray from the source of the power. When I open the Word I tremble. Often times, the tears can't be held back. My longing for this God of holiness is so intense, and the power revealed in the time spent with Him is so great, that I wonder, like the author Richard Baxter (The Saint's Everlasting Rest) did,

"...if a man did but once hear of such unspeakable glory to be obtained,

and believed what he heard to be true,

he should be transported with the vehemency of his desire after it,

and should almost forget to eat and drink, and should care for nothing else,

and speak of and inquire after nothing else, but how to get this treasure."

Does your life revolve around the gospel? Is the gospel the answer to all of your problems? God seemed to think that the gospel was answer enough, and I often wonder if His people shouldn't think the same way.

God's Not Dead

(Image via the World Wide Web)

There aren't many movies that our family indulges in. Our home selection includes a limited amount of DVDs and even VHS tapes that are nearly memorized line for line due to the lack of digitally mastered entertainment available in our living room. To spend the small fortune that it costs to enjoy a night in theater seats with buckets of buttered popcorn requires a show of high standing, and this is one of them.

God's Not Dead

If you haven't heard of it, google it. If you haven't seen it and you are remotely interested in furthering the Kingdom of God, go support it. If your dull soul needs a wake up call, definitely head out to the matinee- today. Take any teenage kid you know with you so that you have somebody to laugh with, cry with, dance with and share their treats. Just go see it. You will not leave unchanged.

How to Add "You Might Also Like" Widget

For quite some time I've noticed under other blogger posts the words, "You might also like" followed by photos and links to other articles in their blogs. Being pretty much internet challenged, it took quite a while before I attempted to figure out how to add the widget to my own blog. I'm happy to share with you that it was easy, painless, and my computer did not blow up in the process.

The simple steps are as follows:

Click on the widget link, here: LinkWithin

You will be redirected to a LinkWithin website that asks you to enter your email address, blog link, platform (Blogger, Wordpress, etc.) and width (I chose 3).

After you've entered the above information click on the big blue box that says "Get Widget!"

The next page will look like this:

 

 

Choose your blog from the drop down box and click on the blue box, "Add Widget."

 

 

Your Blogger layout page will now open, and you will see an added HTML box (on the right) that says "LinkWithin." 

 

Save your changes, and go check out your blog with the added addition of "You Might Also Like"

Bare Toes in January

 

Water balloons in the freezer.

Tea parties in upstairs bedrooms.

Chickens in the basement.

Oodles of stories stored in a laptop computer.

Kisses goodnight.

Kisses goodmorning.

And any odd number of childhood antics in between.

 

Such is my life.

Besides the never ending laundry pile and the creative energy it constantly requires to make three scrumptious meals a day, three hundred and sixty five days a year, unless it's a leap year, then three hundred and sixty six days a year.

 

The grief in between is just a constant reminder of the best that is yet to come.

It drives me to my knees begging for salvation,

which is found in Jesus Christ alone,

on behalf of those I love.

 

A body that keeps going through the motions.

A mind that feels like it can't take in one more single concept.

And a soul longing for restoration and righteousness.

 

Bare toes in January.

Two minute boy showers.

Orthodontics times three.

Tears in the morning.

Tears at night.

 

A Savior leading.

 

West Bow Press versus CreateSpace

A while back I was asked by a blog friend about my thoughts on self publishing, so thought I'd post my response for others who may be curious. It has been just over a year since my book, How My Savior Leads Me, was first published. We chose to use WestBow Press for our first publisher, but after much frustration and over all disappointment, we soon decided to make another investment and have the book reprinted with CreateSpace.

It is a big book world out there, and it would be easy to get ate up in it! Before self publishing I did quite a bit of research and looked into different venues for printing my book. I researched literary agents and big house publishers, but soon realized that I knew I wasn't emotionally strong enough to handle the rigorous process of submissions and rejections. I did submit to one agency, and sent books to the big publishers, but only received a few form letters saying they were not accepting new projects or no reply at all.

Since I was confident that writing and sharing Trent's story was of God, and many doors appeared to be opening in that direction, we went ahead with self publishing.

Our first edition was printed with WestBow Press. I don't have alot of good things to say about WestBow. My gripes: you feel like just a number and soon find that you are treated as such. I bought into their advertising that you could be the next big author and picked up by Thomas Nelson, and also thought (due to their advertisiements) that they would be very helpful in promoting my Christian view. In the end, I found very little personal help as a newbie author, and soon became very frustrated by the lack of communication as well as the cost of every service that seemed should have been covered in the package price.

I purchased their Pro Format package, which included amongst other things, Interior Book Design and Page Layout, plus Standard Cover Design Including Personalized Back Cover. The promises soon became tarnished when I learned that my options were limited to 1-3 choices and then a fee of $150+ was added to change anything (fonts, etc.). Which meant that I could submit an idea (choice 1) for the cover and they would come up with their own design (choice 2), if there was a font or color change requested to either of those designs that would be choice three. At that point you would be required to pay the additional fee to see any other options. The same for interior fonts, details, designs. Even to request changing the size of the book required an additional fee.

I also had several problems with getting the book printed on the correct color of paper (more than 500 books in multiple orders were printed on the wrong color), and wasn't all that impressed with the final printing quality.

My book representative was very quick to reply to both phone calls and emails, but the communication was very poor between him and the team that actually did the work on my book. Soon, there was a turn over in personnel and my file seemed to be laid by the curbside with no personal contact representative.

After several months I ended up with a book that I really didn't like, was very disappointed in their cover options and art work and would be unable to financially consider any changes, besides looking at $700+ more to correct new-found typo's (after already investing over $2,000 initially with them, besides out-sourced editor fees).

Maybe my expectations were too high: I expected that we would work together to create a quality book, but found that they mostly turned out to just be a very expensive printer.

Which all led us to choose CreateSpace to reprint the book only three months later.

What I liked about CreateSpace:

(If Blogger would let me upload images I would attempt to place a photo of the book cover and interior here, but since it won't, you'll have to check out the Amazon page to see an example- and while you're there, if you want to leave a review or a "like" Amazon appreciates that, and so do I:))

They were half the price of WestBow for a better quality book. I could have attempted to format the whole book myself, but I knew that I wasn't capable, nor did I want to try. For $900 I purchased their interior and cover formatting option and they did all the work. They were much more flexible with actually designing a book that I liked, instead of giving me a couple of options and then charging to change anything.

Example: For the cover design I filled out a questionnaire, they designed two mock up covers,
and then allowed me to choose one to start creating with. If you don't like either option, they redesign, or allow the choice of making changes to color, font, etc., until the author is happy with the result. The interior also received royal treatment and design work continued until it met my satisfaction, with no further charges.

With CreateSpace they worked with me until I actually liked the book. Their design team was fabulous, they replied and worked very fast, and the quality and printing of the book was so much better. The option of fonts and layout was superior to WestBow, and the design team was particular to attention and seemed to want to meet your desired expectations. Printing with WestBow took about six months, and with CreateSpace about four months to publish the books.

Actual book printing cost with CreateSpace is also half price: about $3.50 per book compared to about $6.50 with WestBow, which means higher author royalties with CreateSpace, or the ability to charge less for the book. Both companies offered similar options as far as ISBN numbers, availability of additional services (marketing, editors, etc.), retaining author rights, and distribution.

If you are computer savvy, and are willing to do the research and work yourself, you can format and design your entire book for no cost at all with CreateSpace and only pay for the cost of printing the books. I have done this for a little booklet that we had printed for some fishing scholarships in honor of Trent in our community, as well as a children's book that Alexis wrote.

One consideration with CreateSpaces' Self Publishing is that you have no publisher to list. One option is that you can open your own publishing enterprise (you'd have to check into local legal requirements). We chose to print under the name of More Glory Ministries for our CreateSpace books. We applied for a non-profit status for all of the donations after Trent's death and have committed to using all book proceeds and funds as well for sharing the gospel. Having the More Glory Ministries name on the book directs people back to our blog where the books are advertised as well as Trent's story and the gospel is shared.

So how is the book doing?

After being available for fourteen months between the two publishers, we have distributed over 1,000 books. Nearly two-thirds of those have been given away as gifts. God has continued to provide the resources through book sales and donations to make it possible to share the gospel and the hope of eternity with many hurting souls.Nearly weekly we receive emails or notes about how God is using Trent's story for His glory.

For our family, personally, the book is a huge comfort and encouragement as well on those days when we can't quite see past the pain of missing a son. I can't recall how many times I have been convicted by my own words, or had my eyes turned back to the cross through it - so even if it never makes the best seller list, that is enough of a reason to have wrote it.

So... there's my ramblings about self publishing. If there are any other specific questions I can answer, let me know.

****************

For cover work, I would highly recommend Design Crowd, 

who did an awesome job to create the books final cover.

Tuesday Morning Blogger

Well now I'm a Tuesday morning blogger! Actually, I tried to write a post last week, only to find that Blogger changed EVERYTHING on me which led to me melting into a puddle of tears right there before the screen of little blinking lights because it was the topper of weeks of computer problems (I can destroy yours, too, I'm sure) .... change I do not like. It is not even on my radar today to try to figure out how to assemble a post with aesthetically pleasing pictures; if I could even see my pictures on my post rather than HTML codes would be great; if I could even see the whole posting page would be great. More coffee, more coffee, quit shaking, Terri, quit shaking .....

Ahem.

A quick recap of the week:

* We now have four more farm critters. Baby kittens were born to Camilia: all white, and so cute if anybody is in need of mouse catchers this spring. No we're not keeping any; no, we're not. Not even the one sweety with the black dot on it's teeny-tiny-itsy-bitsy head.


* Cole acquired a new/used dirt bike. I have decided that I need to start a rabbit and chicken business of my own, 'cause I'm certainly not making enough raising goats to buy a dirt bike like he did. I seriously debated selling my horse and buying a pink dirt bike. I also decided that I was not going to attempt the two-by-four-boy-designed jumps when I could barely keep the bike upright, especially when I kept forgetting that squeezing the handle bars tight, in a pulling back "whoa" motion, does not mean stop. And had anybody given me a thorough tutorial on just where the brakes where located in the first place would have helped tremendously.

* Three calves are out of my barn and in the paddock outside. Yippee! For all you wanna-be's dreaming of raising calves, you will not quite know joy until you've experienced the excitement of having your life back when those mooing little black and white buggers are weaned and no longer require bottle's twice a day.

* Since I don't have enough to do, and in keeping up with the legacy of projects around here, the kids and I started building a screen porch. The hope is to construct it with as much salvaged lumber as possible. The frame is nearly complete, and we only have $7.49 invested. The screen and screen door are waiting, as is the flooring and decorations. Now I just need the gumption to work on it again, and then for Rob to move it a couple of feet with the skidsteer and mount it to the cement pad. I have dreams of actually completing the flower garden this year where it is located, but then again I have dreams of a writers loft and a front entryway, not to mention that pantry with the cute antique sink ....

* It snowed. In April. Today it's supposed to be sunny and we're hoping for 70's soon.

* I sold one of the beautiful, spotted bucklings. Two more goats look like they really are expecting. I had started to give up on them...

* School. Yes, we homeschool, and yes, we might beat Traci's family for once this year and be done by Memorial Day! Yay!

* I am a big, fat liar (well, not so fat, just the beginnings of a double chin that has me greatly concerned). I have been fighting, fighting, fighting such an intense spiritual battle this past week. You too? No? The enemy has nothing to attack? I have forgotten that it is a privelege to be counted worthy of trials. I prefer the pity party as of late. I have been having a hard time trying to grasp eternity, or the magnitude of God's glory, or why it matters so much.

But then I can feel the shift beginning, and I start to rise, ever so slowly from the pit; but still I rise and catch a glimpse of it again. I feel as if I'm barely holding on to it somedays. Do you see it? Do you get it? This whole "big" picture~ beyond you and me and our lifetimes, all the way into eternity; trying to figure out what really matters.

I was encouraged reading somewhere the other day that Scripture really is all sufficient, we don't need to look beyond for any outside affirmation of God, so I go back there even more. I love the book of John: continually Jesus reminds us, "I am telling you the truth!" Continually, I am reminded that that truth matters so much. The truth of believing in Jesus which leads to eternal life in heaven matters a whole lot to Trent right now. Oh Lord, haste the day when you reign. Reading Malachi this morning ... oh my, you'll have to go read it for yourself. What offering will I be bringing before my God?

So the big fat liar part?

It stopped me in my tracks when somebody casually asked me yesterday how I was doing. "Fine," I replied.

Liar ... Liar, liar pants on fire. I hide rather than be honest. Who wants honest anyway? Who wants hard stuff? Who wants God stuff?

More so I realize how we all tend to hold on to this world so tightly, as if it will last forever, with little thought about the next. Alexis and I have started "fighting" over blessing others~ eternal blessings for even a cup of cold water Jesus said. For eternity? "Let me get it. Let me rise; let me suffer; let me die to myself. Use me, Lord; here I am. Let your glory come shatter me." As scary as those words are to speak out loud, they are the utterings of my heart: to have the joy of knowing Jesus in His suffering. We will not know Him in His glory if we do not know Him in His suffering, it says in Romans.


I realize over and over, especially at 3:30 in the morning, how helpless I am to fight this battle. So I entrust myself all over again to the One who is capable.

Whew.

* If I could find the spell check I'd try to edit this post. Until next time ....

What Does your Kitchen Reveal about You??

I am the Mom, which means that I rarely get my picture taken. Actually, that's just fine, I prefer the other side of the camera much better. But, like we say around here, they're gonna need some pictures for my funeral one day, so I encourage the kiddos to pick up the camera once in a while and point it my way. As I was skimming through this file of pictures looking for some cookie making one's for another post (and passing them all over because of the un-cropped nature of them since we all know that blog pictures have to be perfect) I stopped and took a closer look. What I saw was my life revealed in the un-cropped portions.

One of my absurd interests is to check out people's refrigerators when I visit their homes: refrigerators reveal who we are. See mine?? That's the real me. Chaos with pictures plastered one on top of the other: pictures of people I love, people I miss, people who are in my life. Intermingled are words: school work, verses, names, advertisements of favorite author appearances, VBS projects, car magnets, and age old Christmas cards. I am most content in the chaos of life, and I don't mind the jumble, as long as those I love are surrounding me.

Then I see the vintage-print apron, the old sink, the bead board, and the new counter top. The new looking like the old; maybe it reveals the longing for the way things used to be. Next I see the food: I can minister with food. Food is easy; everybody likes food.

And I see the dirty dishes on the cupboard. Most day's they bug me, and I'd be bugging a teen-age girl to do her chores. But look to the left . . . Kids grow up too fast to always fuss over dirty dishes.

Cropped out of this picture is the dog who is usually in the kitchen with me; usually getting shooed out because she wants to help, too. And if you could see close enough, you would see all the unfinished trim work that reveals our flitting from one project to another, just for the sheer joy of trying something new.
Ultimately, though, what these photos reveal is that I am certainly bound to prove that I have inherited that strong genetic gene of the double chin; especially if I keep eating all those Christmas cookies for breakfast.

Parties, Parties, Parties

Life has been one big party lately! I'm not so much the partying type, but rather the coveralls-and-muck-boots-in-a-barn type, so this month of digging deep into the closet to find something other than an old sweatshirt to wear and brushing the hay off of my nice coat has stretched me farther than I want to be stretched right about now. I'll just say it out loud, and be done with it, so I can get to the nicey/blog perfect part of this post: "I am ready for this holiday season to end anytime now. I am ready for the firsts to end, and eternity to begin, and Jesus to come back."

But since it isn't, and He hasn't, I keep plugging along; I keep facing the firsts; I keep going to the parties; I keep smiling until I can't smile anymore and then cry with those who are crying with me. Now begins the chipper blog post . . .

Our Christmas parties started with the much anticipated Shriner's party. Grace has doctored at the Shriner's hospital for the 8 years that she has been home from India, and part of the Shriner's program is loving these kids as much as it is healing them. She looks forward to the event for months, although she is scared of the guy in the red and white suit {another subject, another soap box, another post for another day, enough said} and makes Mom come up with her so she can sit on my lap instead of his {just breathe, just breathe}. Our local Shriner's group goes all out with lavish gifts and cookies and clowns and spoiling. Grandma Lee joins us nearly every year for the party, too, since she experienced nearly as much of Grace's doctoring as we did by riding down to the cities for all those casting trips.

Then we had the annual church Christmas program, where Grace played a little piano piece, Grace and Micah recited their verses, and Cole, Grace and Micah all joined in on the singing. Very cute! And then, the same day, the same weekend, we enjoyed Alexis' Community Choral concert where she had the opportunity to sing the solo "Mary did you know?" (and if I could actually download the video to blogger I would brag her up even more for the beautiful voice that God has given her~ totally a genetic fluke as nobody else in our immediate, and extended, family can carry a tune in a bucket of water).

And then came the annual swimming/Christmas get together at Grandma Lee's house. Grandma has forgone trying to buy individual Christmas presents for her twenty-some grandkids and great grandkids and has treated us to a day of swimming at a private pool party instead. All the kids love her for it! Then we go to her house and eat, and eat, and eat . . . mmm-mmm Super Duper bars!

Besides all of the Christmas parties, we also have six birthdays spread throughout the family in the month of December. Plus, there is still the other church Christmas Eve service and the actual day of Christmas left to celebrate. At about this point I start to re-evaluate the insanity of this month and declare that next year we are going to keep things simple and then realize why I am worn out and frazzled and find myself crying in a heap on the floor as I try to wrap presents for only four kids and remember that Jesus really is the reason for the season~ right???

Technical Difficulties

Hello dear friends! Just a quick note to let you all know that I am having some technical difficulties with my computer. Lord willing, it will get fixed soon and I'll be back! Terri

I Love South Pork Ranch!

By total default I actually won a little contest that Midlife Farmwife was {sort~of} running. She was so gracious to send me not one, not two, but count 'em, seven T-shirts and the sweetest note that made my day. I thought it was the least that I could do to gather the children from the four corners of the farm and force them to pose for a group picture to show my appreciation.

They were all thrilled! (Especially after their mother quit murmuring threats of not building a certain chicken coop if some goofy boy would not smile!)They were thrilled with the shirts, tho. A couple of them even refused to take them off and insisted that they could wear them for pajamas because Mrs. Farmwife said that they could.

Some of them were so excited about their new shirts that they were walking on air.

Poor Alexis was forced to endure the barn yard and all the smells that entails.

You know, I just might have to use some of these for Christmas cards this year and save the poor children from another photo shoot.

Disclaimer: I am in no way related to Midlife Farmwife, I have not been paid to advertise South Pork Ranch (well, other than a few T-shirts and an enormous debt owed for all the belly laughs), and I have never ate a Red Wattle Pig.

Friends and Followers

I am sending out a plea~ a plea for a desperate bloggy friend. Like the rest of us she really does enjoy writing, but the true longing deep down in her little farm wive's heart is to blog in the aspiration of becoming the next Pioneer Woman with fifty-two-thousand-gazillion people who read her blog. But her hopes and dreams have been dashed today because, you see, rather than gaining followers she has lost one and she doesn't know where to find her. Would you please, pretty please go check her out, and if you can find it somewhere down deep in your heart to follow her great blog you would really make her day. She is a highlight of my days and never fails to make me laugh, and laughing is a big deal these days. So head on over to Midlife Farmwife and make a desperate farm wive's day.

Blogger, Blogger, Blogger

Well I thought it was just me who was having problems posting comments until I read Becky's blog this morning and realized that others are having trouble too. The nice ladies over there knew how to fix the problem so I thought I'd post it here, too. I have had a hard time leaving comments lately on other blogs and blogger won't let me sign in. If bloggers don't accept anonymous comments you can't leave a comment and those poor ladies and friends think we forgot about them. The solution was simple~ on your dashboard click "sign out", which will take you to the sign in page. Uncheck "stay signed in", sign back in, and wallah! Problem solved! It also brought back the "new post, design, instant editing, etc.", on my blog for easier postings for me. Hope that helps somebody! Happy Tuesday!

So Often

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains

and we never even know we have the key.

~ Almost Gone by the Eagles

Blogger

Blogger had a few issues it seems over the past couple of days~ at first I thought it was just me, but it appears that lots of blogs were affected. Whew! So glad it's all back. I thought I had just seen three years of my life disappear before my very eyes! Maybe I should get serious about printing these memories off into a book after all. Sooooo..... now that things seem safe I'll get back to some regular ramblings and postings, Lord willing. Thanks blogspot people for figuring it all out!

The Big R

Responsibility. We believe in it pretty strongly around here. Our poor deprived children don't get the luxury of most children in this day and age who are indulged with every new electronic device that comes out. Our kids get an old console TV that is green half the time with no antenna, a DVD and VHS player that is off limits until school is done or they convince their mother that they really are sick, and up until the last few months no gaming devices until Trent and Cole bought a used X-box and games with money they had saved from working hard for neighbors and friends. We believe their childhood is better spent playing with goats and chickens and their brothers and sisters rather than watching little blinking lights together. And yes, they do have to walk uphill both ways to their home school. Ahem, didn't mean to get on that soap box. Just meant to brag up Alexis a little bit.

When these sweet little dumplings of ours prove themselves responsible we bend over backwards to help them achieve their dreams. Alexis loves, loves, loves to write (where in the world does she get that from?) and has filled up tablet after tablet of stories and journals. For close to a year she has been saving and putting money away to buy her very own laptop, and just this past week she was so excited to see the mail lady pull up into our driveway with a box with her name on it. Now our kids don't get allowance so the extra perseverance and patience and plain old hard work made this all the sweeter. And she even let me take her picture using it. You go girl! Can your mother borrow it once in a while? Pretty please!

Dancing Again

I'm not quite sure just where to start this post or where it will wind up, so bear with me for some rambling~ it is more of a collection of thoughts, prayers, reminders and the direction of what God has been doing the past few days in my life. Oh, lonesome me, I have been a bit whinny and pathetic lately, believe it or not. I've lost sight, in a sense, of God's hand. I have started to enjoy wallowing in my own self pity rather than trust the creator of the universe to do good things in my life.

Nobody ever told me grief was so exhausting. I find I hardly do anything and am exhausted by the mere thought of just thinking. Thinking about..... I don't even know what. It can hardly even be called thinking because the thoughts don't connect anywhere. Simply recalling and treasuring memories. Dazing and processing. The kids or Rob will ask me a question and it sounds like Greek. Questions just baffle me for a moment. Huh?

I have realized that the brain goes into shock after losing somebody you love. Slowly, slowly that shock seems to wear off and bits and pieces come flooding back of what just happened. Hard nights of odd thoughts and dreams and fear that make you hold your husband to make sure he is still there and not a cold body. For unknown reasons, at any odd time of the day, the fresh realization that Trent died. As if I didn't already know that. We were spared seeing any trauma of Trent's death but the trauma still takes it's toll. Tears come without expecting them over silly things. I see Trent's face in strangers and hear his voice in my mind. Then there are the days that I can hardly conjure up his smile or imagine his giggle or the twinkle in his eye when he got excited about something, like talking about God.

The ache of missing Trent that there is no cure for is nearly constant. The odd, dull, no emotion, flat-line approach to everything. Nothing thrills like it used to. Not the sunsets, or the frogs croaking, or the bags of groceries. The new green grass barely registers a shimmer of joy and what does it matter if it is rainy or sunny?

Aaahh! How did I get so sidetracked? How did I forget who's in charge? When did I stop reciting the promises? When did my eyes stray from the cross? How easy it is to forget, to lose hope, to look to the immediate to be the eternal.

When I am tired it is easier to get discouraged. When I have no mission or purpose it is easier. Everybody wants to spare me from anything extra at this time, but the extras are what I need to keep sane. Having something to do, like minister to twenty kids and nearly that many adults in my home, allows my mind a break. And then my sweet mom, who does her best to spare me any pain, tells me of the dear ladies at work who are worried about me and send their hugs and gifts. Tears again. Good tears. Cleansing, happy, sad, joyful tears. Tears for myself, not for Trent. Tears because he is my son. Tears because I miss him and long to be where he is.

And how do you reconcile living without it being dishonoring to the person who died? Guilt is Satan's playground in a woman's life. Is trusting God not enough of a reason to keep on living? Simply believing that in His wisdom there is a reason for me to be left at this time. What good am I curled up on the couch in a fetal position? Can I not go on living and walking in faith? Looking for the good works that must be left for me to do here? Accepting what God has done and calling it good; trusting His plans above my own; not my will, but God's be done.

Cole and I went on our big grocery shopping trip the other day. The last time I went was the week or so before Trent died. On that trip I almost brought the camera, as it is such a normal thing in our life, but then I thought "How silly! We do this all the time!". How I wish I had. How I wish I had taken a thousand more pictures, recorded and saved every silly video, wrote down every normal thing he said through all the short years. I thought I was ready for the real world. But I saw him everywhere. To pass the rows of shirts his size, seeing something he would like, and being reminded yet again. Picturing him in the seat next to me holding the Pappa Murphy's pizza. Watching him pick the pickles off his double cheese burger and offering me the last french fry.

Blah, grief, go away. Oh death where is your victory, oh death where is your sting? My God ordained even this perfectly. All this heartache and every tear will be made right by the one who made them. When His work is done in this sinful world all will be revealed and made right. The riches of His glory will be made known to the objects of His mercy through this. Patience. Patience. Let me walk in this fallen world holding tightly to my Savior until that day.

God came to my rescue again~ pulling me out of the miry, dirty, sticky, gooey clay that I had done a pretty fine job of sinking myself into. His Word penetrated deep into my heart again. Prayers with a faithful husband who loves me and puts up with more than he deserves started to remind me again of what the fight is about. It is about God's glory. What did He say? Why do I listen to my deceiving heart? Put it into perspective oh heart. Trust God's word.

And friends, dear friends, your prayers and the words that you were so faithful to share were used by God in mighty ways. The reminders, the perspectives, the encouragement. You truly are sharing my burden and we carry it together, making it lighter. His yoke is easy when we obey. Shoshannah left the words that shook me out of what I was doing. It put things into perspective again. She reminded me to dance before my King. Where had all my joy gone? I literally found a kid or two and danced! To their joy, laughter, and shaking heads! My son is in heaven! Shout it from the roof top! PRAISE the Lord! My son is in heaven! Stop doubting and believe, oh me of little faith! God knows what He is doing, and He called it good.
Romans 8:9

You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit lives in you.

Romans 8:18-25

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Acts 3:21

He must remain in heaven until the time comes for God to restore everything, as He promised long ago through His holy prophets.

Revelation 22:12 and 20b

Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. ~ Yes, I am coming soon. {Jesus}