My brain is stuck. What an odd word~ stuck. All I feel in my body today is a tightening in my chest, not even tears stinging at my eyes, or that familiar lump in my throat. I feel the ache in my arms, literally, from longing to hold Trent some days. Finally, after that thought, the tears can come, and the stomach curls as the sobs fall. The lips fight to remain upright; the jaw clenches. It feels better than numb. It feels better than raw.
The outside world wants to quickly heal a person who is grieving. Funny~ at first everyone thought I should be crying, now they don't seem to think I should be, or maybe they just don't know what to do with me still crying, or maybe they don't know what to do because they aren't still crying. But it is only God that I stand before, it is His timetable that I grieve on. I will cry as long as He wants me to cry.
Life is somehow going on. Alexis and I were lamenting over that fact the other day. My little sister and I were struggling with the age old question a couple of weeks ago about why are we here~ and especially as Christians, when all we want is to be with the Lord, why are we still here. I found myself missing Trent this morning for not being here for football this year. Then I stopped myself, and realized how little I realize what reality is.
This is Satan's kingdom.
It is not Trent that I should be weeping for, it is my other children who are still here. Now don't think I've gone off the deep end, I have only seen a glimpse of what Scripture is talking about these past seven months and am trying to sort the reality of it. I have also been reading a book by Steve Gallagher called "Intoxicated with Babylon", and that reality is all too real. Eternity is on the line, people. We are playing in Satan's sandbox and enjoying it, and only want more.
What if everything Scripture says is true, dear Christian? Remember all those verses about this world being the devil's kingdom since the fall of man, and the reason that God sent His son Jesus to die on a cross was to ransom His own, and that His own should live in this world as aliens, not as citizens, and that one day He would come back to surprise us, rescue us, and establish His kingdom. But most of us don't want to be ransomed. Most of us like it here. Most of us have established our own kingdoms here and can't see beyond. We think we are entitled to this world's pleasures, and even that they are a gift from God. Remember who's pleasure's they are. Gallagher goes on to say that we have become drunkards enjoying this world's every little trifle rather than seeking our true King and His kingdom.
Wake up. Please wake up. That is what my plea has been to God; let me wake up, let me see clearly, let me live faithfully, let me repent of anything that is not glorifying to Him, let me live obediently, let me live eternally minded, let my eyes be open.
And to think, I would have traded all that just to see my son chase a little ball around a field on a cold, fall evening. He is with his God. He is with his Savior. Dance before your King, my son, and when I get there we'll dance together.
6 comments:
Good reminder to focus on the Lord. It reminds me of Proverbs 30:8,9 of the prayer to God for just enough in this life to rely on Him but, not so poor as to resort to sin. May God keep leading you in His comfort.
Beautiful, again! Love your insight about living in this world, but not being a part of this world. I too think too many "Christians" want to "do" all the same things that the world does - yet, call themselves Christians. I was raised in and to still believe in "separation" from the world. Our chruch has a holiness standard of dress - I do not feel this is a salvation issue. However, scripture is clear on SIN. It is an issue for today's Christian to remember - if you don't separate yourself by your outward appearance (dress) you must with your inward (spirit). I can't understand why a Christian would want to - lets say - drink. "Well, it's only one - or, I do in moderation" - Why even go there?? We need to separate ourselves so the lost can see Christ in us.... not across a bar stool... how is that different? Just me - Blessings from Wisconsin.
Terri - we don't want to see you stuck ... living your life in grief for a long long long time. I think we accept where you are ... it's just we don't know how long you can hold up mentally and physically. There are many of us that care about you deeply and are concerned for you.
I've never lost a child, but I do understand grieving. It is very hard on the body and soul.
Since this is where you are ... this is where we'll keep holding you in our thoughts and prayers.
Love and Prayers .....
Pilgrimscottage~ I was just reading and pondering that verse the other day:))
DickyBird~there is certainly a difference between true believers and what the modern day church calls believers. This book was such an eye opener of how we live in this world as if we were of this world and it would last forever, which is so contradictory to what Scripture says. Lot's of good stuff to think about.
You are so right, Brenda, grief is exhausting on every level. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers. Know that I usually write on the bad days~ I should try to balance that out a bit because God does bring much peace and joy in the midst of grief, too:))
So many of these observations of grief are for my benefit to release those thoughts, so by the time you all get to read them I have layed them down after much sorting and contemplating. I can look back on these details and see God's work through them as I walk this path He has me on.
For today I can't see it all clearly, but I know that one day I will. There is so much more happening beyond what we think God is doing, and I long to see that rather than be satisfied with only desiring for myself to feel content. I long for deep.
I know myself too well, and could easily pretend that everything is fine to please everyone else. Until these truthful words come out, I am only "stuffing".
This is the hardest battle I have ever fought~ it is a battle for truth and souls. So glad to have you on my side fighting it with me:))
Last night, while doing chores in the dog yard (24 dogs, so lots of chores), Trent popped into my head. I literally smiled as I was going from dog to dog, thinking about Trent in Heaven. Keep in mind, I have never met Trent, but I know his Maker. I thought to myself "I'll have to tell Terri that Trent will be one of the first visits I make upon my arrival..."
And even though I've never met Trent, I can see him looking over his shoulder and smiling. For he is in such a beautiful place. Those mourning his loss, and living without him, have the ultimate battle.
We MUST stay focused and our eyes (and heart) on Him until our time comes to make that journey. One day at a time. Give us THIS day...
I'd hug ya if I could. I know football season must be hard. Your grief is healthy and your thoughts are too. The Lord is really allowing you to have spiritual eyes and ears and thank you for reminding us so often of what's really true. Bless you. Be comforted, and know that you are doing just fine. Just fine sister.
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