An attempt to declare the Glory of God for what He has chosen to do with our lives. A legacy to leave to my children in the telling of it.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Have You Met My God?

He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.

The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears,
and I have not been rebellious;

I have not drawn back.

Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,

I will not be disgraced.

Therefore have I set my face like flint,

and I know I will not be put to shame.

The Lord said, "I, even I, am He who comforts you.

Who are you . . . that you forget the Lord your Maker,
who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth,
that you live in constant terror every day?"

Gladness and joy will overtake them,

and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

But my salvation will last forever,

my righteousness will never fail.

From Isaiah 50-51

If I could somehow take you down with me into the pit of the despair of grief, I don't know that I would even do it. It's a scary place down there. A place with no hope, and only a furious clawing and trying to grasp anything . . . anything to hold on to. It's dark, and lonely, and painful. It makes you want to turn in on yourself and give up. I know first hand: I have been there most of the week. I don't want to go back.

I have realized that my god is too small. The god that I was creating to replace the Sovereign God, anyway. I could only see days of forever without Trent, and I could only feel the pain, and I couldn't comprehend a god who would ever be anything other than far away in his heaven as I missed my son, and went on in this life without him. That ache weighs you down. If you have never lost anybody there is no explanation for what this feels like. If you have ever lost somebody you can begin to comprehend it. If you have never lost a child, you cannot even come close to trying to imagine it.

I give in to this pain too easily. I give in to the hopelessness too easy. I get tired, I get busy, I get consumed elsewhere, and it hits me. The only way out that I know of is prayer and Scripture. I even called in the troops this week and called in some mighty prayer warriors. Then I set everything else aside other than an intentional drawing closer to Jesus. Feeling Him hold me, love me, comfort me, carry me. Fully trusting Him, letting Him lead, remembering that He is leading, and then I turned and faced that pain. Running is no good, it's still there. I look for the core of it, what is it really that I fear?

I fear that God might have made a mistake. I fear that God might not be enough. I fear that one day this will be twenty years later. I fear that I will forget my son. I fear that mother's won't still be mother's in heaven. I fear that this depends on me and that somehow I am responsible to carry it all, knowing that I can't. I fear that one day the pain will be too much and God won't be enough.

And then I wonder how I ever forgot the promises. I wonder what it was that led me to look to the here and now as the eternal. I have let my guard down in this battle. I have forgotten that there is a battle. I have forgotten what the battle is about. It is about souls. It is about eternity. It is about God's glory. Somehow those things get muddled in the midst of pain.

I try to comprehend eternity. I think of the eternities that have been changed because of Trent's death; I think of Trent's own eternity that was changed simply because of Jesus' salvation while we sat at the dining room table less than a year before the accident.

We are scared of death in our culture, but ignoring it doesn't pretend it away. Every one of us will die. Our children will die, our neighbors will die, our parents will die. And we only wonder what's on sale at Walmart or should I have that second piece of desert?

If we knew the consequences, good and bad, would we live differently? If we really believed that we would face God and give an account one day would we choose differently? If we really believed that He would punish every sin for an eternity, and that Jesus really was the only way to heaven, would we repent quicker? If we really believed that God would simply be faithful to every promise in Scripture, would we live and trust more faithfully? If we believed that He really does hear and answer our prayers, would we pray harder? Pray more?

My god is too small, but my God of the Bible says that this will all be made right someday, He says that He knows what He's doing, He says that I can trust Him, He says that He is leading me by the hand, He says that He is sovereign, He says that it is better to be with Him rather than here, even for my son.

Grief is lonely. The best intending Christians don't even get it. There are few who are called to walk in the trenches with you as you grieve. Know, dear ones, how precious you are to me who have crawled in and not let go of me down here. I long to see your rewards when Jesus does come for carrying me, for feeling my pain, for being faithful in prayer, for encouraging me, for crying over my son as if he was your son. Jesus has your names written down, and you are all written on my heart, as well, as precious friends.

I am living your worst nightmare, dear mothers. And I am here to proclaim the goodness of God in it. But don't be scared of me. Don't leave me here alone. Ask me how I am. Let me cry on your shoulder. Praise God with me, give Him the glory with me, seek Him with me. Let "me" be that mother in your life that needs you to hear her cry. Let "me", be you. Come into the trenches, be willing to walk with Him, don't be scared of the high things He will call you to. I have a feeling He wasn't kidding when He said that He was coming back soon. I have a feeling that we won't regret trusting Him in any of this.

My son is in heaven. My God is right in all that He does. Rejoice with me!


Mrs. Trixi said...

I should really be asking how you are more and checking in on you but know that I do pray for you and your sweet family. I can't even imagine your grief. I had a miscarriage in June of a very much wanted pregnancy but it does not even compare to knowing and loving a son for years and him going home to meet Jesus. We will see them again and it is for eternity. This life is just a short glimpse of what eternity will be. Bless you!!

Brenda said...

Terri - You are an amazing woman. Your words need to be heard by the masses. You need to be standing in front of crowds of thousands proclaiming these words. Your words penetrate to the heart of the soul to jolt a person back to the reality of what is really important. We need that jolt.

I continue to pray for you each morning. But, I feel it is so little. If I were closer, I would love spending the day with you discussing the good things of the Lord ... and of course the goats too! :D Love and Prayers!

TheLazyJ said...

Rejoicing with you today, sweet sister! Love you.

Anne said...

It is a day of crying for you, Terri. While hanging out laundry...after pizza tonight... while emailing you a few minutes ago...and now after reading your blog post. I agree with Brenda, your words need to be heard by the masses. And I want to be there in the first audience!
Love you,

Linda Emanuelson said...

Thank you for sharing and exposing these raw places. I am reminded to let go of the lesser.
My heart hurts for you and I will carry you to Jesus..........

Sherry Sutherby said...

Terri ~ First, ditto on Mrs. Trixi and Brenda, who posted before me. Second, my thoughts and prayers have been with you the last few days as I think of you "living our worst nightmare"...which is so true.

As we were walking our wooded trails last night, as the sun was fading and the "sweet light" was shining through the trees, I thought of my Dad. He passed away 22 years ago on that day. He was only 60, and it was sudden...Melanoma/Brain Cancer. No pain, just the knowledge of no recovery. It was six weeks from the first clue until his final day on earth. When he died, I was with him, by his side. I felt I had also left this earth...or wanted to. He was an amazing father/mentor/friend/grandfather/community leader/the list goes on. I would double over with the pain (actual pain) of his loss. I thought I would never, ever recover. I did...slowly. Last night I thought of you, as I thought of my Dad. It is my hope that the memories of Trent will be clear and soft and sweet, while the pain of his loss will lessen. I realize this won't morph anytime soon - nor should it. It will be in His time. But it is my hope that you will slowly find a foothold in the trench, to begin to climb out... And when you do, we will all be there to extend a hand, for we'll be there right along side you, for as long as it takes.

OurCrazyFarm said...

Ladies, I love you. I debate on so many of these posts whether I should leave the comments open or not, as the words are words that I need to release for myself, but then to hear God's work in your life because of them humbles and encourages me. I fear being vulnerable; I fear being the prophet in the hometown with no honor; I fear being broken. But that is when God moves~ when we finally admit our fears and give up our fights and let Him be God.

Mrs. Trixi~ I am so sorry for your loss. Jesus isn't comparing our losses, He feels your pain as well as mine. Your loss still hurts. We lost our first baby in a miscarriage, I understand. I look forward to that eternity!

Brenda~ I only serve an amazing God:) Your prayers are felt~ often times I think of your comments about praying for me and I know God has not left me to do this alone.

#1~ love you, too.

Oh Anne~ May God bless you immensely for walking this walk with me.

Linda~ you're prayers are felt. Your words are beautiful.

Sherry~ I am so glad you are one of my prayer warriors:)) I am honored to call you my friend.

*~*~*~*~Tonia said...

Terri you are an amzing person. Your posts are always thought provoking.. I have NO clue what I would do if in your situation... It breaks my heart to read your pain but at the same time gives me joy to see the way you have given it to God. And allowed him to work through you and your family in this. God does amazing things when we let him doesn't he? Hugs to you my friend!!

mulroymomma said...

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you lots, praying for you daily and sometimes hourly. We miss him, too, and will rejoice with him in Heaven...

OurCrazyFarm said...

He is an amazing God, Tonia!

Love you, Mulroy Momma!