Stuff . . .

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,

because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

perseverance, character;

and character, hope.

And hope does not disappoint us,

because God has poured out His love into our hearts

by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

Romans 5:2b-5

The camp called yesterday and left a message asking if Trent might want to come to the youth retreat in February. I know . . . just let that sink in for a bit. Just another goofy grief thing that seems to never end. Umm, no, Trent won't be able to make it this year, he has better plans. I laughed, I banged my head on the table, and then I cried. A book will be in the mail soon . . .

It's been a week of "haunting"~ making enchiladas for movie night again, pulling into the grocery store parking lot just as an exact snowmobile-coat-clad-patron walked by, vivid dreams, the ushering in of the "seconds" with the birth of the new goats. I figured once the firsts were over we'd be on the easy side of grief; I guess I was wrong.

Cole tripped on the china hutch yesterday, which refreshed more eleven month old memories. The day before the accident Trent had been running through the dining room, tripped on the leg of the hutch, the door flew open and out came crashing down numerous long-stemmed glasses that we use for our fancy birthday suppers. He was going to tell me and apologize the next day. I never got around to making any fancy birthday suppers the past year to realize they were missing.

My brain has refused to think this past week: complete overload. So I let it rest, and I rest, and I function on auto-pilot to keep cooking, and doing chores, and raising kids, and waiting for eternity to begin. Words could barely even break through as the balm that they usually are. I stayed where God had me; I trusted His leading. I indulged in ignoring the computer; I indulged in loving my kiddos; I indulged in letting life be simple.

This morning God led me to the Romans passage to wrestle again with suffering, hope, joy, glory. My brain doesn't understand justification through faith leading to peace with God at this point. My brain just wants to stay fuzzy in it's vitamin D lacking winter hibernation: sometimes it feels safer there. But on my knees I know this God; this God of big words and bigger truths. I long for this God, to really know Him, and realize that suffering is a huge part of it.

The suffering is what causes us to look for hope.

It's a grasping at this point; barely holding on by the fingertips as I strive to live moment to moment some days, but it's still there: hope. Hope in the glory of God, hope in the glory yet to be revealed, hope in an eternity to see it clearly. Hope worth rejoicing in, even in the suffering.

A Bit Busy

It's been a bit busy around here lately with lots of new little kids! Triplets yesterday and twins today~ three more does to go~ I'll be back to blogging soon~ Lord willing!

Smile Baby!

We have three windows in our living room, which means that at a certain point of the day there is an opportunity for some great lighting worthy of bribing a kid or two to stop doing their math and smile . . . or not smile. She's cute either way:))

Finding God in the Goat Barn

Dixie is our goat herd matriarch. She is older, and is carrying a huge belly right now as kidding season is about to begin. She is pretty pathetic looking as she only has half an udder, and that teat hangs nearly to the floor at this point, as we were naive goat farmers when we bought her all those years ago and didn't know a good udder from a bad one. I promised her I won't breed her next year, poor thing, and will keep her forever no matter what our farm motto states. But she loves being a momma, so I couldn't deny her one last opportunity to try for pretty spotted babies before we sold that handsome buck.

I was crooning to her last night, and petting and kissing her, and crying to her about no Trent to sit with us at delivery time this year. I had to rub her back for the both of us. Constantly I remind myself that this is God's battle; He will come out victorious. Maybe in eternity there will be goat farms and sons to sit by again without the fear of death. Even if heaven was only that, it's all it would take to make me happy forever.

I was reading in Hebrews 12 about the thousands upon thousands of angels in assembly in the city of the living God, and about the great cloud of witnesses that surround us watching what God is doing. Watching for how He will cause His children to persevere in this race that He has marked out for us. This race that is so hard. Once again, I fixed my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, and set before myself the joy of the cross that makes enduring this all possible.

Because of the cross I am forgiven, because of the cross Trent is in heaven, because of the cross I will be able to be presented before God holy and blameless, because of the cross I call myself a stranger here in this world, because of the cross my Heavenly Father disciplines me for my own good so that later on a harvest of righteousness and peace will be produced.

Lord willing, I will not refuse this God, but will look forward all the more to His heavenly kingdom that cannot be shaken.

Even if that means right now it hurts, and I cry and cry and cry. But I have found freedom in the tears; a sweet fellowship with Jesus that I have never known so deep before. I guess God will bottle up tears cried to goats, too.

Ice Skating

Ice skating ~ it's one of the highlights of a Wisconsin winter. And 40 degree January days only make ice skating sweeter. The kids dug through the bin of garage-sale skates that we have had for years and years and claimed a fitting pair to own for the season. Rob checked and gave the "okay" for the ice safety, and off they went~ twirling and swirling, whooping and chasing.

I joined them today to take the obligatory 200 pictures of every newly created memory that none of us will ever want to forget. The "martha" that I am, I also picked up the shovel and helped clear the snow off the ice. And I cheered everybody on, and I watched the greatest ice-skating tricks that I've seen since last winter, and laughed and hugged and smiled and enjoyed my kiddos.

And missed Trent. And thought of last year. And tried to live now.

Life is tainted when a child dies. No matter what you do, it's always with you. The pain sneaks in along with the memories; the hope of heaven sneaks in, too. There is no more contentment with today, but always looking back or looking forward. Maybe because the today is too painful. Or maybe the pain goes away eventually: but then do the memories go away, too? How can a mother want to enjoy the rest of her life without her child? I don't know . . . just rambling; thinking out loud; working my way through this process.

And then I watched Micah slide down the dock, thought "what a crazy, wild kid!" And then I asked him for a turn on the sled and went down the dock myself, off the jump, and slid all the way across the pond into the cat-tails ~ screaming for joy all the way ~ because life is short and I'm still here.

Oh, yes I did!

Two Plus Two Equals God

If what Scripture says is true: "Those who call on the name of the Lord {Jesus} will be saved." (Romans 10:13)

And: "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8)

Then: My son is with God.

God.

God.

My son is with God.

And, if my son is with God, then I need to decide what to do with this God that my son is with. I need to figure out how to live the rest of the short days that I have on this earth until I meet this God. I get to quit crying, quit hurting, quit whining . . . because my son is with God.

God.

Trent knows what God looks like. He knows what Jesus' face looks like; what the nail holes and the scar on His side looks like; what His robe looks like; what heaven looks like; what Jesus' glory looks like; what the angel's look like; what the throne looks like.

What I can't imagine, Trent knows. He is with God . . .

With God.

Yet somehow my days still need to consist of feeding goats and choosing what's for supper, and ultimately trying to figure out how to glorify God in all of it.

I stand in awe: Trent is with God.

And the Winner Is . . .

And the Winner of the great birthday giveaway is . . .

Traci . . . at the Lazy J

There couldn't have been a better winner (besides everybody else who so desperately wanted to win, including Hunkyman) than the other birthday girl herself! I laughed when Alexis pulled your name out of the bowl, Traci! Happy Birthday!!

To all you wonderful contestants:

You made my week with all your sweet comments!! Thank you for playing along, and Thank you for promoting the giveaway ladies! It was truly a pleasure to meet you all, and I look forward to getting to know you better in the following weeks by visiting your blogs. I wish I could send cheese to all of you!

Please check out the Dairy's home page if you would like to order some of the delicious cheese they make there. And (just to brag a bit) check out the awards page and count up Rob's winning cheeses:))

For all of the runners up . . . I would like to offer you this condolence . . . I will send a {{free}} bar of home made OurCrazyFarm goat's milk soap (in the continental US only, my choice of scents) to anybody who leaves a book review over at Amazon . . . haven't read the book?? You can find it here . . . Thanks friends!

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See . . . Traci does look just like me . . . one day we'll dig out the cowboy hat and put her in front of the barn for a few photo's.

Back to Real Life

The Holidays are over {yippee!} and we are back to real life: homeschoolin', farmin', regular schedules, even a little structure. I actually heard Cole say last night, "I'm glad we're going to do school tomorrow, I'm excited to read my book." We have ate our fill of sugar, enjoyed all the parties we can endure for a while, and look forward to settling in to a long, cold Wisconsin winter full of cozy things like algebraic equations and phonetic rules while snuggling on the couch. A double ration of coffee and hot chocolate is on the menu as the temperature outside dips to single digits, and maybe I'll even have to dig out the recipe for Cathy's doughnuts~ yummy! Aaahhh! The peace of my little one room schoolhouse makes me smile:))

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Don't forget to leave a comment for the Cheese give away~ I'll pick a winner sometime tomorrow. You have all blessed me with your well wishes and sweet comments! Love you dear friends! YOU make my day a joy!

Winter Came While We Were Sleeping

Winter came while we were sleeping
She snuck in, whirling and swirling
As we slept nestled in our beds.

Sweet dreams drifted under downy covers
There were ponies and sunshine and rainbows to catch
As we slept nestled in our beds.

Little knowing that right outside the door
Winds were whipping and clouds were hovering
As we slept nestled in our beds.

A magic winter land was in the making
One unique snowflake falling at a time
As we slept nestled in our beds.

Our eyes opened to the dawn, a bright new day
To the yard and trees masked under their glistening coats
As we arose in sleepy awe from our beds.

What I Found on the Floor

My soul, wait silently for God alone,

for my expectation is from Him.

Psalm 62:5 (NKJV)

What I found lying on the bedroom floor, crying and broken, was everything that I had tried to stuff too deep. I found the pain that I refused to feel, the burdens that I had carried too long, the pride that I thought I was entitled to, the fears that I couldn't manage, the release that could only be found at the foot of Christ's cross. I found the freedom to live exposed. Exposed to myself, exposed to others, exposed to God Himself. I felt my smallness; and eternities greatness. I realized that when it comes right down to it, all that really matters is the state of my soul before God. Am I obedient, am I seeking, am I trusting, am I surrendering? Is Jesus glorified? Or am I still glorifying myself; ultimately putting myself in His position? Have I let Him be God? Have I surrendered to His sovereignty? Have I quit kicking and fighting and writhing under His ways? Have I yielded my personal rights and expectations to God? Have I truly yielded them to accept being shattered? Again . . . today . . . fighting the good fight.

A New Year's Surprise

We woke up to a nice New Year's surprise this morning -- our first Light Brahma chick! The little peepers aren't supposed to be hatching until Tuesday, but this cute guy decided to beat the crowd and hatch first. There are 29 more eggs that we will be watching to start pipping in the next few days, and if we can gather enough warm eggs from the chicken coop we'll start up another batch in the incubator at the end of the week. This is why I love farm life!

Did you know??

* It takes 21 days for a chick to hatch.

* You can hear the chick peeping in it's shell a couple of days before it actually breaks out.

* It takes Light Brahma's 5-6 months before the pullets start laying eggs.

* Most hens turn their eggs 3-5 times an hour ~ which is why we use an incubator with an automatic turner.