An attempt to declare the Glory of God for what He has chosen to do with our lives. A legacy to leave to my children in the telling of it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

This is Grief

The thought dons on me regularly: Trent is still Trent. And then I begin to wonder for the umpteenth time where he is. Where heaven is. Where God is, where God dwells face to face with His children. And then I miss him, again. And then I wonder about what heaven is like, and what he's doing and experiencing, and about the things that he knows but I can't even begin to imagine.

And then the fear sets in.

I read that the first year of grief is covered by so much denial that you can't really even feel it; that the reality barely begins to sink in. The second year is harder, they tell me. And then this week I met a couple who lost their child several years ago. The tears still rose in their eyes and the day at the hospital was still vivid as they told me about it. But then they looked at me strange when I began to talk about my joy of Trent being in heaven.

I fear that I am missing something here. Aren't Christians supposed to be excited about going to heaven? I fear that doubt really will sneak in. I fear that one day I, too, will begin to think that God is not good and sovereign and that this world really is the only forever. Where are the stories of those who believe in the Promises of Scripture during times of deep suffering? I can't find them. I don't want any more nicey-nicey faith stories. I want the warriors. Those who stood fast to the Word of God. I barely even see the Word of God in those grief stories, let alone the gospel, or sin, or eternity. Where are you Christians? Who is fighting this battle with us?

I fear seeing God for the first time only to have not believed whole-heartedly every single word that He said. I fear being so content with what I can see here that I quit lamenting over my son being gone, because ultimately it was sin that lead to death, and I was able to somehow find that normal.

"Do you see him now?" Lucy Pevensie asked Trumpkin in Prince Caspian when they all stood on the shore of that river before the great Aslan himself. Yes, he saw him now.

I want to stand before God proclaiming that I never doubted His plan. That I did fight. That I did believe. That I knew He only did things for my good and His glory in my life. That I did trust His hand that was leading. I want to stand before Trent, holding him in my arms, telling him of what God did with his life and death, how I missed him, how I always knew he was in heaven and was rejoicing that he made it. That because of it I fought the fight harder. I long to let go of all that hinders here so I can run the race well, for the prize that matters.

I don't want to be entertained anymore, world. I don't want to be comforted by the only hope being that grief gets easier with time, or that my faith is so "nice" and it's good to see that I think there's a god somewhere out there. I don't want my tears to be in vain. I don't want to become apathetic. I want to live with my eyes wide open to eternity that will come only too soon.

I want to live smiling because my son is in heaven and I trust the God who was gracious enough to bring him there to be gracious enough to pour out His mercies in my life until the day that He chooses to bring me there. I want to feel the depth of the raw pain that God ordained. I want to know Him in the deeper parts that can only be known through this suffering. I will not trade perishable rewards for eternal ones. I will settle for nothing less. No tarnished wordly trinkets can compare.

I only want Jesus and all that He promised.


Beth said...

Thank you for your sweet comment and compliments :-) I found your blog a few weeks ago, and you have been on my mind ever since.

I have written and deleted several comments, mostly because my words seem trite. But, please know you are prayed for... and my heart aches for your loss of Trent here on earth.

I pray you continue to cling to the truth of what God has promised. He is faithful... even when we are weak.

~Beth in NC

OurCrazyFarm said...

Your words were not trite today, Beth, they were beautiful and perfect and encouraging. Your prayers are felt, and appreciated. I think of the verse in Revelation where God is on His throne and the prayers of the faithful rise before Him like incense. Thank you. Yes, He is faithful . . . I am weak. It's good to know that we count on Him, not the other way around. Glad to "meet" you along this journey:)) Terri

traci said...

Ephesians 6:10-14
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against [e]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, 15 and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; 16 [f]in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Stand firm, friend. God has equipped you with every resource necessary to fight against the powers that would have you sink into despair. I am so sorry that Christians aren't reflecting the HOPE that Jesus has infused us with. i can imagine how difficult it must be to feel that you are the only one who recognizes the glorious gift of our salvation.
I lift you up to our heavenly Father. I pray that when you have done everything, that you stand firm.
Lord pour out your mercy upon your servant, fill her with the peace that passes all understanding so that it will guard her heart.
Her love for you is mighty, Lord.

Sherry Sutherby said...

Oh dear sweet Sister in Christ. You are never alone in the battle, for our prayers accompany you daily. As a matter of fact, I left your "story" with the retreat committee (of the retreat I just attended) so you will be prayed for, unceasing, for the next six months. These women are powerful, prayerful, and know and live for Jesus.

OurCrazyFarm said...

Traci~ your words were so encouraging today. I found them just after God had led me to read the book of Ephesians in my quiet time this morning, so I was refreshed again in God's words.

"Just stand firm." What a concept. Maybe God doesn't always call us to be battling, but just to stand. Your prayers are appreciated. Your blog was an encouragement that I needed, as well, to see that others are fighting the good fight out there.

And Sherry~ there you go, you did it again! You blessed me with your words and your steadfast sharing of God's work in our lives. That blackboard . . . I think your name just rose above mine:))) "Powerful, prayerful women who live for Jesus", I can't wait to meet 'em this side of heaven or the other. I pray for God to rise more of them up.

Raggthyme said...


I have been following your blog on and off since you first posted of your son's entrance into Glory. I have wanted to write several times but words always seem to fall so far short.. on March 14, just a short time after I found your blog, I found my brother at his house, he had died in his bed at 40 and no one even knew it for 3 days. I felt so guilty I hadn't tried to contact him sooner. He was one of my best friends, I love him to pieces and I miss him more than words can say. I have taken great comfort in reading your blog these past 7 months, thank you for pouring out your heart, in all it's honesty. Many times you say exactly how I feel but I just can't put it into words the way you do. Anyhow, my brother was not a believer in Christ that I know of, I still hold onto the hope that God did answer my continual prayers for him, in those final hours. But I find it very difficult to deal with the idea that I do not know where he is. I look to passages about how the Christian doesn't grieve the same as those without hope, knowing we shall see our saved, loved ones again. But they do not speak to me with assurance concerning my brother. I often wonder how I am supposed to feel, to deal with my grief in this situation. Losing someone so dear to me who was not saved, at least to my knowledge, has been excruciating. But in all this your words have often brought me much comfort and for that I am truly thankful to God and to you, for being willing to be used of Him in the midst of your own pain and suffering. I cannot begin to imagine that depth of pain, yet you continue to bring Him so much glory in it all.

To wrap it up.. this evening I was listening to my ipod and when this particular song came up, you came to my mind. So I immediately prayed for you and then just assumed God might want you to hear it. It's words are simple, but it's prayer is how I have felt time and again when there is no strength left in me. But we who wait upon the LORD shall have it renewed. Amen.

God bless you, Terri. I will continue to soak up the good and glorious work God is doing here at OurCrazyFarm. Thank you again.. and again.

Much love,

OurCrazyFarm said...


Now I am the one who is at a loss for words. I stand amazed at how our God works; at His timing, at His ways, at His sustanance.

First of all, I have to tell you how powerful your words were used this morning in an area that you couldn't have realized. The intensity of the struggle to even continue writing publicly has been great lately. I can't tell you how many times in the past couple of days (let alone the past weeks, months) that I have been tempted to shut everything down here. And yet, I know obedience to God has to be greater than the enemies lies. You have made the advance great today in continuing on in God's glorious work.

I have lifted you up before God's throne today. Stay faithful, my friend, God know's what He's doing in your life as well. He is good, He is sovereign, He knows His purposes. I am so sorry for your loss, and your pain. I know your hurt.

You are also my worst fear in a sense, because I can't explain to you God's sovereign plans or the reasons for His ways, and why intense pain had to be included in them. I can point you back to His promises, tho, and encourage you to seek Him harder for what He has brought to your life. Let His glory triumph in every battle.

Seek Him in the depths of your pain, struggle to know your own state of salvation, and then live in obedience for Him. Go to the Scriptures; He will reveal Himself there when you seek Him. He is faithful.

I am humbled to hear of your prayers for me; yet another testimony of God's faithfulness to His children. Thank you for carrying us at this time through those prayers. God is moving in mighty ways. As I pray for those who read the words left here in my brokenness, and pray for them to be used by God to change eternities, He has answered them in you.

That verse from Isaiah 40:28-31 is actually hanging on my fridge, handwritten by Rob, and brings great hope. God will give us the strength to rise, and continue to rise.

Keep fighting the good fight, and if I never meet you this side of heaven, I will look forward to meeting you there. Terri

Brenda said...

Once again ... I am deeply touched by your words. Praise God for His faithfulness.

Raggthyme said...

Thank you so much for your prayers and encouraging words! They have confirmed what I have been hearing for some time now. I am so glad our paths have crossed, and I will continue to pray for you as often as God brings you to my mind. Keep up the good work of the Lord. I believe many more people are benefitting from your labors than you could know this side of heaven. You're a gift from God and I love you, sister. Looking forward to meeting you there as well. :)

OurCrazyFarm said...

You asked for Christians who would believe and stand firm. Here I am! Send me! Love your bestest friend and forgetful daughter,


OurCrazyFarm said...

I love you my sweet girl:)) Mom

Amy said...

I love your faith and I am so sorry that you are struggling.

Have you read "the color of rain"?
Just a book. Praying for you.