I just let the tears fall these days; I don't even wipe them away anymore. I intentionally strain to hear their sound as they form a path down my cheeks. I think of the God who knows the sound of falling tears; the God who knows His children so intimately that He catches every drop and stores them in His bottle. The tears do not go unnoticed before His throne, as I am so easily persuaded to think that they do. The prayers go beyond my bedroom ceiling as I lie there, begging for strength.
Out of the gloom there is a reminder:
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you, "Do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13
I forget that.
I forget that it's not by my strength, or my will power, or my motives. I forget that promise when the panic attacks hit at six in the morning. I forget that when I am jolted awake realizing again that my son is dead. I forget that he is in heaven.
I wonder why they come now, after so many months of peace about God's good plan; so many months of watching His glorious work. I wonder if it's because I'm tired: consumed by busyness of my own making, too busy to keep my eyes focused on the cross, seeking my own Kingdom rather than His.
I know that God will do all things for my good, all things that will lead me to knowing Him deeper.
I recall the verse about suffering being granted from our loving, heavenly Father: a gift.
A gift to know Him, a beckoning into fellowship, an opportunity to forsake the ways of the world if I will take it. But it is a gift with a great cost. Often times I don't want it. Gently, though, God presses in. The tears end, the peace takes over, the words flow, and grace consumes.
I will trust my Savior Jesus for where He leads me.
5 comments:
My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you, as we enter this Easter weekend. Blessings from our side of the pond.
I haven't "visited" you or any bloggers in a long time. Lizzy was talking about Grace last weekend and I told her she should sit and write to her again soon, which she started a few days ago.
Thank you for sharing your blog with the world. I'm sure I'm not the only "stranger" who loves you and your family. Praying for you. I have no idea what you and your family have gone though but again want to thank you for sharing your journey.
Dear Heart, I am a nurse and know the pain parents suffer from the loss of a child.The first year is the worst.It is agonizing.Grief needs to be grieved. I am happy to see that you allow that to be.I have seen that Christians cope better than others because they KNOW that the loss is only temporary. So many others turn to alcoholism & eventually divorce. Yet the danger Christians face is putting on a false front.The strong handshake, the false coping smile~ don't pretend. When you pray alone, tell God what you are REALLY feeling. If you are angry at HIM for not intervening and rescuing Trent, tell HIM exactly what you are feeling. You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders.I am very glad to have come across your blog. You & your family shall be in my regular prayers. You are my sister (:>
Thank you for your ministering words, sweet ladies.
Love you, Sherry. Miss you, Sherry.
Jeanette~ Grace is camped out at the mailbox excited about a letter:)) It's so good to hear from you!
Turkeyfether~ your words were so encouraging; yes, the loss is only temporary, and God was so gracious to let us know where Trent would be through salvation in Jesus. Honestly, I have never been angry with God for what He has chosen to do with Trent's life ~ God has granted me great peace in His sovereign plans. I just miss him like the bugger:)) I cry for my pain; I am broken over sin, and my own doubt of this majestic God I thought I had all figured out. I look forward to visiting your blog getting to "know" you:)) Terri
Hi Terri,
I am not sure if you remember me, but growing up, we were neighbors where I lived just down the road from you.
I wanted to let you know that I have been reading your blog for awhile now and you have encouraging words from the bible, which I have strained from during my adult life.
Reading your blog lately brings me back to when I lost my twins just over 7 years ago now. It is never easy and the pain never goes away, but I have been able to say that after 7 years it is easier to handle and the tears still stream like it was yesterday, but they are of joy as they are safe and in heaven.
I pray for your comfort and peace. God Bless you.
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