An attempt to declare the Glory of God for what He has chosen to do with our lives. A legacy to leave to my children in the telling of it.

Monday, February 17, 2014

To Repent of an Inadequate View of God

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
    How unsearchable His judgments,
    and His paths beyond tracing out!

 “Who has known the mind of the Lord?
    Or who has been his counselor?”

 “Who has ever given to God,
    that God should repay them?”

 For from Him and through Him and for Him are all things.
    To Him be the glory forever! Amen.
Romans 11:33-36

Tomorrow marks three years that my son has been in Heaven. The mother in me goes insane at the thought of that reality. I have been fighting the approaching date, knowing that it will eventually arrive, but not knowing what to do with it. The impossibility of honoring the meaning of such an anniversary makes me want to ignore it. Three years in the presence of God. My mind doesn't even know how to comprehend that.

On this side of eternity, the earthly pain of the anniversary was ushered in early via a wrong number dialed on a teen-age boys cell phone last Friday. A friend pushed the wrong button and the call rang through to our house and was answered by Rob. When he kindly asked what was up, the young fellow responded that he was headed out to go skiing with the youth group. Instant flashbacks found a grown man bauling in the kitchen on Valentine's day.

Flashbacks have been a constant companion of mine, also, the past few weeks. Paralyzing memories that bring on panic attacks and mind numbing apathy. Desperate prayers, void of any further desire other than for God Himself to come to the rescue. Longing for the reminder that this suffering is for His glory.

This morning, the dawning of the eve of the anniversary, found me in a sorrier state than I thought I was already in. Thinking that I could stoically make my way through this, God soon revealed that He had other plans. Plans to put me on my knees physically and spiritually. Plans that included many tears and much repentance over the lowly place that I have put Him.

Without realizing it, I had dethroned the King and minimized His very being. Whining and pathetic, I have enjoyed wallowing in my own created pity party and refused to even look up.

Nevertheless, in His mercy to haul me out of that pit, God revealed a glimpse of Himself and what I saw was glorious.

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord,
high and exalted, seated on a throne;
and the train of his robe filled the temple.  

Above him were seraphim, each with six wings:
With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet,
and with two they were flying. 

 And they were calling to one another:
“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
    the whole earth is full of his glory.”

 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook
 and the temple was filled with smoke.   
Isaiah 6:1-4

I was graciously reminded that this was the God that Trent stands before right now. The God whose robes fill His temple. The God who sits seated upon His throne, ruling His universe perfectly. The God who gives me breath for this moment is the same God that chose the day of Trent's death, the ways to make Jesus' name known through it, and the same God that will sustain me until I see His face.

I was reminded all over again of my inadequate view of God.

For all you sweet well wishers who have prayed me through this trial and have wondered how I am faring this week, please take the time to watch this video by John Piper. This is how I'm doing. This is what I am hoping in:


Beth said...

Aren't we feeble minded people so quick to put the Almighty in our small, pitiful boxes? Thank you for reminding me of his splendor and majesty.

Praying for you this week. We have a secure hope in the Kingdom to come, in Jesus... yet, the longing to hold your son and hear his voice is valid and appreciated. After all, it is God who gave you such a great love for Trent. He understands your sorrow and does not condemn your tears.

Hugs and love from NC. ~Beth

Shara said...

I cannot begin to know your pain, but know that my prayers are with you. Thank-you for your honesty in dealing with the things of this world and the hope you have through the suffering!! May tomorrow hold glimpses of encouragement for you!

Sherry Sutherby said...

I am with you, on bended knee and tear filled eyes. Know you are not alone in this, dear friend. Let Jesus wash over you. Love from the Mitten State.

Dicky Bird said... words...but, I'm praying for you and Rob (tears in my eyes as I read the phone call...). Blessings from Ringle.

A Primitive Homestead said...

I continue to lift you in prayer and send you hugs dear blog friend.

Brenda said...

You all continue to be in my morning prayers every day and every day. You are a strong woman and have a gift for drawing people closer to God through your honest words. -- love, prayers, and blessings to you!

Jan said...

Oh Terri...You ARE going to make it! I peek in on you every so often here, but not too much because it broke my heart to know you were just THERE, in that place, where you didn't want to be, but that you could not leave. And no words could help or comfort you. I love what I see now....and I'm excited for you and your family as you are swept up in the "newness" of being and embark on the rest of the journey. Just believe, just believe, just believe. xo-Jan

Donna OShaughnessy said...

Because of you...and Trent...and God...I hug my boys much more often even though they are 33, 25 and 23.

Camille said...

I stopped in to visit with you here pretty nearly right away after you posted this my friend. But, I didn't leave a comment. I have come back to do so now...I just want you to know that I am praying for you today and sending hugs! With Love, Camille P.S. My most recent precious verses are found in 2 Samuel 22:31-33...perhaps they will bless your heart as well?

Pamela said...

Our "special" dates do bring pain and memories. God blesses our humanness until we can once again feel His Majesty. How could we bear life's pains without Him?

OurCrazyFarm said...

Thank you for your love and concern, dear bloggy friends! You are all so precious to me and I am glad that you've come along for the ride:)